anyway...
today has been fairly stable. i have been exhausted all day, but i woke up a little before five with the guilt thing. it took all my focus to fight it off, but a few insecurities snuck by. alone, alone, alone, it rattles around my brain with persistence... alone, fat, spineless, blah blah blah. i started focusing on movies instead. horror movies. best action sequences. finding a second job. moving. fighting the shit off, refusing to cry or get mad or dwell. i dozed off again around 5:30. it was the first time in months ive been able to do that. i even managed to avoid an anxiety attack. it was a good day.
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